No, seriously, seriously. ‘Guys’ Night’ is a nice idea, but it’s exclusive. I understand that travelling with people or staying at the houses of others creates a bond, but

I

HATE

EXCLUSIVITY.

I hate it so, so, so much.

I had a dream this morning, in which I met my younger self. I think she (I?) was about 4 or 5. I think we were at my university… she just showed up at the end of one of my Japanese classes. It was more of an ‘okay I guess you’re supposed to be here and I need to keep an eye on you’ kind of thing. I think that the situation was like an open house/visitors day?

Anyway. She… I… was adorable. She was so sweet and happy and kind. Obliging, I guess. She seemed to just enjoy life so much, and wasn’t worried about what anyone thought, so long as she could put a smile on their faces.

What happened?

Things to do in Paris, three full days:

• Disneyland

• La Tour Eiffel (Metro)
• Champs-Élysées
• L’Arc de Triomphe (Metro)
• Notre Dame de Paris
• Musee du Louvre? (admission fee uncertain; residents of EU under 26 free; are we residents? Our passports may qualify us) (Metro)
• BABY The Stars Shine Bright (Metro)

• Versailles (admission fee uncertain)

No, but seriously, how do you even start a relationship?

Ex. If I liked someone, I would most likely never ever tell them because lol I wouldn’t even know how to deal with it and telling the person? Like that’s going to happen. What if they didn’t like me back, weren’t looking for a relationship, said I wasn’t their type, only wanted to be friends but I made the friendship awkward by telling them that I liked them, etc?

How would you even deal with that? I don’t…

There is so much potential for ruining friendship or for rejection inherent in this scheme, because I certainly wouldn’t start dating someone if I weren’t friends with them first.

WHAT EVEN. How does this work? How do you relationships.

I don’t know how it feels to like someone. Possibly because I won’t allow myself to like someone, because how would it end well? But surely I can’t have that level of control of my emotions. Possibly because I just have never liked anyone, simple as that. Except I’m almost 21, and that’s a little unrealistic.

How do you know what it feels like? For example, I find myself thinking about one of my friends a lot. Things that this person has said or written make me feel nice and a bit happier, and I reread the written things numerous times.  I often think about this person when going to sleep, and I pray for them pretty much daily.

No, I just don’t understand or know anything about this area at all. :/

I’ve got loads to talk about, but I’ll try to just jot down the highlights right now.

• Left last Wednesday night, long night in the airpot (I finally watched Inception!), split up at Fumicino.
• Rome was both super interesting and super me no likey; very touristy, very historical, very crowded, etc. Others got scammed, not I (said the red hen), we went to a free concert of Vivaldi’s Gloria, which was absolutely fantastic, and so on.
• Florence was so fantastic! Zio Gigi was the quintessential Italian restaurant, and cheap. Gelato every day continued.
• Got lost in Venice twice for a few hours, once when trying to find our B&B. It’s such a maze there! My sense of direction served me well, but it was less enjoyable, over all.
• Team ‘Good Job Guys’ uses ‘coolio! coolio!’ as a way to find each other. Dear God.
• I’m getting very frustrated with drama and immaturity on the parts of two members.
• UST isn’t nice at all when you’re stuck just trying to avoid being around it while maintaining a Christian attitude.
• Two members continue to pair off, and it’s getting old, fast, and awkward and so frustrating, as I said.
• I feel a bit like I’m on the outside looking in for this group, potentially because of my age, potentially because of my unusual stance on some things (like flirting and smoking and drinking), potentially all of the above plus others.
• Kjelle’s house is lovely, his family is nice, and I just want to download Christmas films and hide in my room to watch them and listen to Christmas music.
• I need to be alone, and I’ve been around people for an entire week, consistently.
• I’m whinging a bit, but UGH.
• Liege tomorrow, then a hotel in Brussels for Christmas!

I miss my dad and my dog.

I really, terribly miss my friend group from Capernwray. I miss Jacob and Kaitlyn and David and Shannon and Lizzie and Tisha and Nathaniel and Chelsea.

I miss my BLING girls dreadfully, and will very much miss our New Year’s Eve tradition. :/

I want to get away from this group for a while, and don’t see how to do so. Caitlyn and Brendan are being lovely, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

infidus:

Red Panda (by Pui Hang)

It’s Thanksgiving today, and we’re having a ~*~special night~*~, which means turkey dinner and dancing.

UGH DANCING. I feel so awkward every time dancing comes up, because issues and touching people no me gusta.

David’s taught me a bit of swing, but I just kind of feel ill when I think about it. I am incapable of approaching others about dancing, and if I’m not asked to dance, I’m going to feel kind of… rubbish.

I don’t even know.